Compassion.Love.Truth.Hope.

Compassion, you are not enough. You will never be enough. Without action, you are nothing of significance. Oh, Jesus, help my heart break for what breaks Yours, but let my hands, my words heal the broken in Your Name. Your name IS power.

Love, the world's definition of You is so flawed. Perfect love casts out all fear. Oh, precious Jesus, You are love...

Truth, why does the world not believe in You? Why does the world seem to think you are different for everyone? Oh, Abba, truth is found only in You.

Hope, I can see Your light. I can feel your strength. Come carry us home.

"To Live is Christ!"

A life in Christ is exciting.
It's not easy.
It's not safe.
but it's an adventure.
...adventures aren't supposed to be safe.
They are full of unknowns... full of situations that are "worthy of worry."
but what is there to really worry about when the hands that carved out the oceans are holding you in the midst of the storms.
mmm, good stuff.... good stuff.

So, I've really started pouring my heart out to Abba about my desires... my dreams... my passions...I have been praying for understanding, wisdom, and peace... and He has started showing me some "flaws" in my beliefs.

Example: I have been telling HIM that I want to be a voice for those without voices. How arrogant of me to say this. EVERYONE has a voice. A beautiful voice. Voices that are passionate. Voices that are tired. Voices that are silenced. Voices that are broken. Voices that are trembling. Beautiful, passionate, tired, silenced, broken, trembling voices.... but voices nonetheless. Abba gave each person a voice, but this sinful, chaotic world has taken captive these song-filled voices...Satan loves binding up people, silencing their voices.... Satan loves to make us believe that "my" voice means more than the poverty-stricken 80 yr old woman's in a village in Kenya. Oh, Satan. None of that. My God created each voice to sing beautiful songs of praise to Himself...and for now, you are trying to silence those voices. but one day, my precious, powerful Jesus is going to release the captives... mmm, what a day it will be!

Another thing.
Heaven. I long for it...I want it. "To live is Christ...to die is gain!" What truth Paul spoke! I long to be with my Redeemer. I long to sit at His feet and sing "WORTHY IS THE LAMB! GLORY TO GOD FOREVER!" I want to see Him, face to face. I want no more brokenness, no more pain. How I long to be with my precious Lord! but for now, "To live is Christ."

a prayer for today:

"Precious Lord, Reveal Your heart to me.... Father, hold me... Hold me..."

want to know God's will?

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thess. 5:16-18

...

Precious Lord Jesus,
Lead me. What are these crazy desires and burdens in my heart?...Where will they take me?...Why have you given them to me?...Why does no one understand them?... Take these dreams, the dreams that You have given, and give them wings... My heart breaks for the least of these. My heart breaks for those who have no voice in this world, the ones who have been silenced... I long to be their voice. I want to love the abandoned... I want to be Your hands. I want Your heart. I will run this race for the least of these...Fill my heart with Your compassion. Help me to love like You love. Give me the strength to follow Your heart... No matter how hard, no matter what I need to leave behind. God, I am waiting for You to reveal Your plans...

avoiding studying...

so, right now as I am avoiding studying about abortion for a quiz tomorrow, my heart hurts.
My heart hurts because I have recently seen someone else's heart hurt. I hate seeing someone's heart being broken. I hate hearing someone say the words "I give up... It's not worth waiting on..." I hate seeing someone, who is such a strong person, give up trying to get something they want. My heart just goes out to this person... I hope and pray that one day this person starts to see the huge plans God has for them...

Secondly, as I am looking at a list of different abortion procedures, my insides feel like they are about to come out of my mouth in the form of vomit--for a couple of reasons. Obviously, the procedures are crazily disgusting and appalling and horrible to read about... Secondly, I think about the turmoil in the heart of the woman having the abortion because I cant really imagine the thought process she is going through... (i pray that our generation realizes that the tissue inside of the woman is a human being with a purpose... with a life... with a need for love...I feel like if we realize that, things might change.) A couple of my favorite verses comes to mind when I hear about abortion. It's something I pray that my life accomplishes. "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice." (Proverbs 31:8-9) I want to speak up for these babies that cant speak for themselves. I cant help but cry when I think about the (would be) teenagers in my generation that were aborted... I cant help but think of the senior year they didnt have...the graduation they will never get to be a part of... the dorm that they will never get to decorate. the families they never had... it's just a hard thing to think about.

well, that's all for now... until next time...

a living sacrifice...

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.-- Romans 12:1-2.

Read that again. and again. and again. and again. and again. and again.

Now, really think about that. Something that seems easier said than done is the "offer yourself as a living sacrifice." Something that is living can walk... can crawl... can move. And that's the scary thing about that verse. I am the sacrifice that can run away. At some points in my day, I'm in this state of glad surrender... Then, at other times, I am running off the alter holding my dreams and plans, clinging to the ways of this world... phewww. more on these verses later.

you know,

Some random thoughts:

I love coldplay. It is official. I am really not sure how I lived before I listened to them. Okay, that was an exaggeration.

I really like green tea...

God is kicking my behind via Jeremiah......God wants me to be a bold leader. Now, I must put that into action...

I think it's super cool when people take "secular music" (okay, music can't really be secular... so lets replace music with "lyrics") and sing it to the Creator of the Universe... I know that might sound weird, but why not? I don't think it's strange. I think it's beautiful. and it might bring people into church that maybe wouldnt usually be there. who knows... think about it, someone that comes to a church for the first time ever thinking they will hear an uptight hymn and BAM! they hear the body of Christ singing their hearts out to their Father using coldplay or a rap song ( as long as its clean)... just a thought.Some may think that I am going to hell with gasoline panties for this thought.

I really hate going to school... not bc I hate learning or the people, but I hate routines. BUT, I refuse to waste this year.

My room looks like a bomb went off in it... no, really. Maybe I should be cleaning it at this very moment.

My eyes are really dry, and I am having a very hard time seeing, but I don't really feel like finding my glasses right now.

Perfect love drives out all fear... what a thought.

I think it is really awesome that God is preparing me for what He has prepared for me... even though I dont know what that is yet.

I am in awe of the love of Christ... and the strength that He gives.

I really want to move out of Tennessee...

Sorry this wasn't very insightful.

future--here I come. Present--here I am...

the future...

Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.
-Corrie ten Boom.

The past year of my life has been filled with worries... Everyday almost, I wake up, lay in bed for a few minutes, then I think--- what in tha world am I here for..? What am I supposed to do with this life?

As February came, I saw how quickly life came to a stop for someone. So, as I walked by grave stones (i guess that is the correct term), I noticed the dash in between the date of birth and date of death. That dash is everything. It holds everything from the first breath till the last breath. And you know, I want to have an awesome "dash"... A dash that glorifies Christ. BUT, I have no idea what to do with that dash right now. I know that every minute is a part of the dash, so I choose to embrace every minute. So, future here I come, but present, here I am.

And it begins...

Just some crazyyy thoughts that are going through my head right now in this crazy emotional rollercoaster called life and death.

I think it's funny that when someone dies everyone says "Oh, I'm so sorryyyyy. Can I do anything for you?"
Well, I'm not sure what you are so sorry about... I mean, really? I know people mean well. I really do... I've even said those very words to others and not even thought twice about it... But now, people say that, and it frustrates you. I mean, can you do anything for me? Yeah, if you could give me 10 more minutes with my Grandpa... If you could help me hear him laugh one more time...If you could have recorded him saying "I love you...very much..." for the last time... Yeah, If you could do that for me... I hate to say all that because I am so very thankful for friends and family who care enough to say these things... It means so much... And im very grateful for it...

But no one can. And I'm okay with that, really. February 20, 2009 at around 415pm ish, Grandpa physically passed away, but we all missed saying "Goodbye...." to our dearest Grandpa/ dad/ brother/ uncle/ best friend/ hero... We missed it because we didnt get to say goodbye to the real Grandpa. The real Grandpa smiled all the time. He laughed so hard he would almost cry. He had this light in his eyes that lit up so many rooms...somany. And we missed the day that the real Grandpa died. We didn't get to say goodbye...You see, in the hospital layed this familiar body, with stranger eyes... With a stranger frown. And this look... one that no longer showed the "Fighter" we all know... In these stranger eyes held desperation and ache. But it still held this familiar aspect. It held this longing to be with Jesus accompanied by a new aspect. A longing to be out of his body...to be out of this world. And that's what hurts the most... That what makes me ache when I sit there for a long time... Because, right now, as much as I want to see happy grandpa... I cant help but see this stranger because that's the last thing I saw.

I also hate that as I went up to my grandparents house last night, everyone was one wrong word away from breaking. Funeral plans have to be made and preachers have to be called. Family and friends have to be called one after another as we break the news to them... And we have to hold it together and say things like "Charlie went home to see Jesus today..." and "We have some bad news....", but we had to learn to be numb so that we wouldnt all break down. I mean, yeah...We all have this undeniable peace that comes from knowing Grandpa was saved by the grace of God and he is now sitting with the Father (something ill write more about in a few minutes...), but we all wanted to be able to crawl into a ball and drown in self pity and scream "Why God? huh? why? why today? Why one month from matts wedding, huh? That sounds like a great plan, huh?" And I know for some that seems silly, but you cant help but think it. I once read that a close relationship is based on communication... even when it's questioning... its not that you dont trust that the person knows best... but you question today. Because today, as you face tomorrow you cant see it... you see todays pain and wonder about tomorrows healing... You just want understanding... and thats what we did with God. We said, "Why?" but we also trust Him with our whole hearts...Its hard to explain. This whole situation is hard to explain.

I also wanted to say things that make me smile through all this. I am so happy that the parents that Grandpa always talked about are now with him and hugging him... I am so thankful for having 16 years of memories with my Grandpa. I am so glad to have been blessed to have a grandfather so full of life and wisdom. I am so glad to know that he is no longer out of breath and he will never fall again. I love to hear people telling me how much he influenced them... I love remembering him buying me sunflowers for so long to plant. I am so thankful for the lesson he taught me through the sunflower. I am so thankful for the example of Jesus he was in my life and will continue to be. I remember coming in and kissing his bald head as he watched fox news like he hadnt heard each story a million times. :) I remember him acting like he was picking his nose and then he would make sure i was looking ( i guess because I was the only one that laughed everytime :)) and he would flick the imaginary booger into the air and catch it in his mouth. I remember him teaching me to say "That felt good" after burping. I remember him making me try a different fruit everytime I was up there. I remember him peeling kiwis for me. I remember him reading his devotion and Bible everyday. I remember his cowboy boots, cows, and tomatoes. I remember his stories from war as he told them with tears. I remember his eyes like it was 2 minutes ago. I remember the sparkle in his eyes... All those things will always make me smile... always.

Last night as I sat at his house...I saw his old devotional. I saw it, and I felt like I should read it... but I thought that would be weird under the circumstances. So, I just sat there, but I couldnt get it out of my mind... so I finally read the one for that day...Feb 20... and it talked about being in Gods presence and how awesome and indescribable it will be... it talked about the Fathers glory. And you know, it hit me... He would've been reading this, but instead he is living this. :)) That makes my heart smile a little...

Also, my little cousin Alyssa said something at the hospital after he had passed... she asked Grandma "Are you happy for Grandpa?" Hmmmm :) Of course I'm happy for Grandpa. I'm a little jealous of him too... He is in heaven...


It's funny because I actually feel like I can hear Grandpa saying "Little Rachel KNEE-Cole...It's okay to live and laugh...I love you....very much."

I listened to this song called "Yesterdays" yesterday... Ill put the lyrics.

Flowers cut and brought inside
Black cars in a single line
Your family in suits and ties
And you're free

The ache I feel inside
Is where the life has left your eyes
I'm alone for our last goodbye
But you're free

I remember you like yesterday, yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone,
oh...I remember you like yesterday, yesterday
And until I'm with you, I'll carry on

Adrift on your ocean floor
I feel weightless, numb, and sore
A part of you in me is torn
And you're free

I woke from a dream last night
I dreamt that you were by my side
Reminding me I still have life In me
I'll carry on

Every lament is a love song
Yesterday, yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone
So long my friend, so long

Thats kind of my feelings wrapped up in a song.

I am so thankful that Grandpa's faith has now been replaced with eyes.

"Until I'm with you... I'll carry on..."