Just some crazyyy thoughts that are going through my head right now in this crazy emotional rollercoaster called life and death.
I think it's funny that when someone dies everyone says "Oh, I'm so sorryyyyy. Can I do anything for you?"
Well, I'm not sure what you are so sorry about... I mean, really? I know people mean well. I really do... I've even said those very words to others and not even thought twice about it... But now, people say that, and it frustrates you. I mean, can you do anything for me? Yeah, if you could give me 10 more minutes with my Grandpa... If you could help me hear him laugh one more time...If you could have recorded him saying "I love you...very much..." for the last time... Yeah, If you could do that for me... I hate to say all that because I am so very thankful for friends and family who care enough to say these things... It means so much... And im very grateful for it...
But no one can. And I'm okay with that, really. February 20, 2009 at around 415pm ish, Grandpa physically passed away, but we all missed saying "Goodbye...." to our dearest Grandpa/ dad/ brother/ uncle/ best friend/ hero... We missed it because we didnt get to say goodbye to the real Grandpa. The real Grandpa smiled all the time. He laughed so hard he would almost cry. He had this light in his eyes that lit up so many rooms...somany. And we missed the day that the real Grandpa died. We didn't get to say goodbye...You see, in the hospital layed this familiar body, with stranger eyes... With a stranger frown. And this look... one that no longer showed the "Fighter" we all know... In these stranger eyes held desperation and ache. But it still held this familiar aspect. It held this longing to be with Jesus accompanied by a new aspect. A longing to be out of his body...to be out of this world. And that's what hurts the most... That what makes me ache when I sit there for a long time... Because, right now, as much as I want to see happy grandpa... I cant help but see this stranger because that's the last thing I saw.
I also hate that as I went up to my grandparents house last night, everyone was one wrong word away from breaking. Funeral plans have to be made and preachers have to be called. Family and friends have to be called one after another as we break the news to them... And we have to hold it together and say things like "Charlie went home to see Jesus today..." and "We have some bad news....", but we had to learn to be numb so that we wouldnt all break down. I mean, yeah...We all have this undeniable peace that comes from knowing Grandpa was saved by the grace of God and he is now sitting with the Father (something ill write more about in a few minutes...), but we all wanted to be able to crawl into a ball and drown in self pity and scream "Why God? huh? why? why today? Why one month from matts wedding, huh? That sounds like a great plan, huh?" And I know for some that seems silly, but you cant help but think it. I once read that a close relationship is based on communication... even when it's questioning... its not that you dont trust that the person knows best... but you question today. Because today, as you face tomorrow you cant see it... you see todays pain and wonder about tomorrows healing... You just want understanding... and thats what we did with God. We said, "Why?" but we also trust Him with our whole hearts...Its hard to explain. This whole situation is hard to explain.
I also wanted to say things that make me smile through all this. I am so happy that the parents that Grandpa always talked about are now with him and hugging him... I am so thankful for having 16 years of memories with my Grandpa. I am so glad to have been blessed to have a grandfather so full of life and wisdom. I am so glad to know that he is no longer out of breath and he will never fall again. I love to hear people telling me how much he influenced them... I love remembering him buying me sunflowers for so long to plant. I am so thankful for the lesson he taught me through the sunflower. I am so thankful for the example of Jesus he was in my life and will continue to be. I remember coming in and kissing his bald head as he watched fox news like he hadnt heard each story a million times. :) I remember him acting like he was picking his nose and then he would make sure i was looking ( i guess because I was the only one that laughed everytime :)) and he would flick the imaginary booger into the air and catch it in his mouth. I remember him teaching me to say "That felt good" after burping. I remember him making me try a different fruit everytime I was up there. I remember him peeling kiwis for me. I remember him reading his devotion and Bible everyday. I remember his cowboy boots, cows, and tomatoes. I remember his stories from war as he told them with tears. I remember his eyes like it was 2 minutes ago. I remember the sparkle in his eyes... All those things will always make me smile... always.
Last night as I sat at his house...I saw his old devotional. I saw it, and I felt like I should read it... but I thought that would be weird under the circumstances. So, I just sat there, but I couldnt get it out of my mind... so I finally read the one for that day...Feb 20... and it talked about being in Gods presence and how awesome and indescribable it will be... it talked about the Fathers glory. And you know, it hit me... He would've been reading this, but instead he is living this. :)) That makes my heart smile a little...
Also, my little cousin Alyssa said something at the hospital after he had passed... she asked Grandma "Are you happy for Grandpa?" Hmmmm :) Of course I'm happy for Grandpa. I'm a little jealous of him too... He is in heaven...
It's funny because I actually feel like I can hear Grandpa saying "Little Rachel KNEE-Cole...It's okay to live and laugh...I love you....very much."
I listened to this song called "Yesterdays" yesterday... Ill put the lyrics.
Flowers cut and brought inside
Black cars in a single line
Your family in suits and ties
And you're free
The ache I feel inside
Is where the life has left your eyes
I'm alone for our last goodbye
But you're free
I remember you like yesterday, yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone,
oh...I remember you like yesterday, yesterday
And until I'm with you, I'll carry on
Adrift on your ocean floor
I feel weightless, numb, and sore
A part of you in me is torn
And you're free
I woke from a dream last night
I dreamt that you were by my side
Reminding me I still have life In me
I'll carry on
Every lament is a love song
Yesterday, yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone
So long my friend, so long
Thats kind of my feelings wrapped up in a song.
I am so thankful that Grandpa's faith has now been replaced with eyes.
"Until I'm with you... I'll carry on..."
I think it's funny that when someone dies everyone says "Oh, I'm so sorryyyyy. Can I do anything for you?"
Well, I'm not sure what you are so sorry about... I mean, really? I know people mean well. I really do... I've even said those very words to others and not even thought twice about it... But now, people say that, and it frustrates you. I mean, can you do anything for me? Yeah, if you could give me 10 more minutes with my Grandpa... If you could help me hear him laugh one more time...If you could have recorded him saying "I love you...very much..." for the last time... Yeah, If you could do that for me... I hate to say all that because I am so very thankful for friends and family who care enough to say these things... It means so much... And im very grateful for it...
But no one can. And I'm okay with that, really. February 20, 2009 at around 415pm ish, Grandpa physically passed away, but we all missed saying "Goodbye...." to our dearest Grandpa/ dad/ brother/ uncle/ best friend/ hero... We missed it because we didnt get to say goodbye to the real Grandpa. The real Grandpa smiled all the time. He laughed so hard he would almost cry. He had this light in his eyes that lit up so many rooms...somany. And we missed the day that the real Grandpa died. We didn't get to say goodbye...You see, in the hospital layed this familiar body, with stranger eyes... With a stranger frown. And this look... one that no longer showed the "Fighter" we all know... In these stranger eyes held desperation and ache. But it still held this familiar aspect. It held this longing to be with Jesus accompanied by a new aspect. A longing to be out of his body...to be out of this world. And that's what hurts the most... That what makes me ache when I sit there for a long time... Because, right now, as much as I want to see happy grandpa... I cant help but see this stranger because that's the last thing I saw.
I also hate that as I went up to my grandparents house last night, everyone was one wrong word away from breaking. Funeral plans have to be made and preachers have to be called. Family and friends have to be called one after another as we break the news to them... And we have to hold it together and say things like "Charlie went home to see Jesus today..." and "We have some bad news....", but we had to learn to be numb so that we wouldnt all break down. I mean, yeah...We all have this undeniable peace that comes from knowing Grandpa was saved by the grace of God and he is now sitting with the Father (something ill write more about in a few minutes...), but we all wanted to be able to crawl into a ball and drown in self pity and scream "Why God? huh? why? why today? Why one month from matts wedding, huh? That sounds like a great plan, huh?" And I know for some that seems silly, but you cant help but think it. I once read that a close relationship is based on communication... even when it's questioning... its not that you dont trust that the person knows best... but you question today. Because today, as you face tomorrow you cant see it... you see todays pain and wonder about tomorrows healing... You just want understanding... and thats what we did with God. We said, "Why?" but we also trust Him with our whole hearts...Its hard to explain. This whole situation is hard to explain.
I also wanted to say things that make me smile through all this. I am so happy that the parents that Grandpa always talked about are now with him and hugging him... I am so thankful for having 16 years of memories with my Grandpa. I am so glad to have been blessed to have a grandfather so full of life and wisdom. I am so glad to know that he is no longer out of breath and he will never fall again. I love to hear people telling me how much he influenced them... I love remembering him buying me sunflowers for so long to plant. I am so thankful for the lesson he taught me through the sunflower. I am so thankful for the example of Jesus he was in my life and will continue to be. I remember coming in and kissing his bald head as he watched fox news like he hadnt heard each story a million times. :) I remember him acting like he was picking his nose and then he would make sure i was looking ( i guess because I was the only one that laughed everytime :)) and he would flick the imaginary booger into the air and catch it in his mouth. I remember him teaching me to say "That felt good" after burping. I remember him making me try a different fruit everytime I was up there. I remember him peeling kiwis for me. I remember him reading his devotion and Bible everyday. I remember his cowboy boots, cows, and tomatoes. I remember his stories from war as he told them with tears. I remember his eyes like it was 2 minutes ago. I remember the sparkle in his eyes... All those things will always make me smile... always.
Last night as I sat at his house...I saw his old devotional. I saw it, and I felt like I should read it... but I thought that would be weird under the circumstances. So, I just sat there, but I couldnt get it out of my mind... so I finally read the one for that day...Feb 20... and it talked about being in Gods presence and how awesome and indescribable it will be... it talked about the Fathers glory. And you know, it hit me... He would've been reading this, but instead he is living this. :)) That makes my heart smile a little...
Also, my little cousin Alyssa said something at the hospital after he had passed... she asked Grandma "Are you happy for Grandpa?" Hmmmm :) Of course I'm happy for Grandpa. I'm a little jealous of him too... He is in heaven...
It's funny because I actually feel like I can hear Grandpa saying "Little Rachel KNEE-Cole...It's okay to live and laugh...I love you....very much."
I listened to this song called "Yesterdays" yesterday... Ill put the lyrics.
Flowers cut and brought inside
Black cars in a single line
Your family in suits and ties
And you're free
The ache I feel inside
Is where the life has left your eyes
I'm alone for our last goodbye
But you're free
I remember you like yesterday, yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone,
oh...I remember you like yesterday, yesterday
And until I'm with you, I'll carry on
Adrift on your ocean floor
I feel weightless, numb, and sore
A part of you in me is torn
And you're free
I woke from a dream last night
I dreamt that you were by my side
Reminding me I still have life In me
I'll carry on
Every lament is a love song
Yesterday, yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone
So long my friend, so long
Thats kind of my feelings wrapped up in a song.
I am so thankful that Grandpa's faith has now been replaced with eyes.
"Until I'm with you... I'll carry on..."
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