Mr. Sinatra,

Your voice speaks to the heart more than any words... One of my bucket list items is to find a man who will sing your music to me (good or bad)...Until then, you can just keep singing to me through my ipod. Sound like a plan? Okay, good.


"I hadn't anyone
Till you
I was a lonely one
Till you
I used to lie awake and wonder
If there could be
A someone in this wide world
Just made for me
And now I see
I had to save my love
For you
I never gave my love
Till you
And through my lonely heart demanding it
Cupid took a hand in it
I hadn't anyone
Till you
And through my lonely heart demanding it
Cupid took a hand in it
I hadn't anyone
Till you..."

"A time to cry and a time to laugh...
A time to grieve and a time to dance."

-Ecclesiastes 3:4.

This verse came to my mind the other day when I was standing in the kitchen with my dad. He asked my brother, "Did you watch the Boise State game last night?" He pronounced "Boise" like "B-woyyyyy-zeee." And I cracked up for a good 10 minutes. It was hilarious. I kept making him say it again, and again, and again. It was like he was a slightly older, slightly less buff version of the Situation from Jwersey Shore. I just couldn't stop laughing. It was ri-dic-u-lous.

I love the laugh of a child...so giggly and beautiful...It engulfs their little bodies.
I love the laugh of an old man...I love imagining him laughing as a teenager.
I love laughs. all laughs. every laugh.

Now, if we have EVER met, you know that I laugh more than I breathe. It's one of my favorite things. I love people who make me laugh. I love smiling, rejoicing, dancing (insert my awkward car dance). I laugh loud. Really loud. Until I am crying. It's just the kind of person that I am. I like to find the funny in situations/circumstances to keep me from getting mad or upset about stuff. And it works...Sure, there are times that I cry and hurt and break and crash.

BUT I am a firm believer in the idea that laughing is one of God's awesome ways of healing souls. There is something POWERFUL about being able to laugh and smile in the midst of brokenness. I love it. love love love it. There is something healing about laughing with your friends...there's a bond developed. When you hate someone, the hate is slowly, slowly turned to love when you laugh together at random things. Laughing heals. Laughter is a pathway to love...

Today, I challenge you to laugh...Don't worry, cry, crash, yell, scream, hate, or whine. Just laugh and love.

Here's a video of Glozell helping you learn the art of Laughter Therapy. Enjoy!

I want to be known as...

-someone who loves Jesus with her entire heart.
-someone who says "Yes, Lord" to all things HE asks.
-someone who lives with an undeniable passion.
-someone who makes a impact on all those around her.
-someone whose smile points to Jesus.
-someone who is loyal.
-someone who is funny.
-someone who loves the orphans and the widows.
-someone who finds her identity in Christ alone, not in relationships or other people's words.
-someone who doesn't just want to change the world, but is changing the world.
-someone who is never tied down by a schedule, but is freed by the Spirit of God.
-someone who depends on Him for every need.
-someone who lives a life of worship, no matter what she's going through.

Love is waiting until we're ready, until it's right....

In the autumn on the ground,
between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

[CHORUS:]
I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that i would rather hold
the climate changes, I'm singing for the strangers about you
don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
the bets are getting surer now that you're my man

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE:]
I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart

How did this happen?

I am developing a love for running, y'all. Like really.

I look forward to it every day.

Halleluyerrr, praise the Lert.

being drained, brokenness, and pure Joy...I'm a work in progress.

It has been a ridiculously draining past few days... Stuff just keeps happening that tries to make me focus on the temporary things rather than Jesus.

My head is filled with a lot of worries.

I am broken for a dear friend of mine who is having a hard time trusting Abba's precious heart.


EVERY. single. morning. something ridiculous happens. One morning my oatmeal literally EXPLODED all over my car (seats, ceiling, windows, carpet, etc).

Yet Abba keeps putting His hand out and saying, "This is nothing...Smile and grab onto My hand and let's go...Don't cry about it... Just trust Me. I am preparing you for what is to come..."

And really, I am literally overwhelmed at how GOOD Abba is... He is speaking words of absolute affirmation into my very soul. He is holding my heart, gently. He is loving me, passionately. He is protecting me, intensely. He is moving in my heart, greatly. And I can hardly wrap my mind around it. I have NEVER had Scripture come alive to me on a consistent basis like it is now... His Words truly are becoming my source of life.

And the world is trying to steal this joy away from me. Satan is trying to speak lies into my mind...But Abba is so much louder...And my heart is in the process of getting in tune with His Spirit.

He is working on my heart, stripping away the bad and cultivating the dreams that are His. He is changing what I want my life to look like. He is turning my plans upside down. He is showing me areas that I need to let Him heal...He is showing me that He wants to make me into a Proverbs 31 woman, in every aspect.

Life is not cupcakes and unicorns.

Sometimes, life sucks. It hurts. It punches you in the stomach. Life happens. Death happens. Heart ache happens. Cancer destroys. Life on earth falls apart. Words beat you to the ground. Houses catch on fire. Children starve b/c of my selfishness. Justice doesn't prevail. Babies cry without parents to come to their rescue. Life is hard. It's broken. It's crumbling. It's life-taking.

but there is always Hope.

No matter what happened yesterday, happens today, or is going to happen tomorrow, there is always HOPE.

And with Hope, there is the strength to rejoice in heartache. There is strength to smile in the midst of disease. There is strength to laugh when death is around every corner.

sooo thankful for Hope in Sweet Jesus. sooo thankful.

Just call me "Paula Dean"...

Actually, if you call me that, you will be lying to me. And that will hurt my little heart.

I am NO Paula Dean. I mean, STRAIGHT-UP. I am a horrible cook (It doesn't help that I almost throw up when I have to touch raw meat). I can't bake. I hate doing dishes (I gag when I see jank-nasty floating food particles in the water)...I can't make quilts. I can't do anything that a woman is supposed to do. It's so unfortunate. I make jokes all the time about how the guy I marry will have to love me despite the fact that I can't do any of those things. And I pray that I either develop these skills and likings or that he loves doing these things (which that would make me semi-uneasy...Boys aren't supposed to make quilts and scrapbook...I am supposed to do that...)

So, I have decided to attempt to succeed in doing said things, and I pray that I enjoy them. Hahah. I really want to know how to bake (I don't mean the tear-apart cookies in kroger)...

I have been ob-sessed with cake decorating shows lately. I mean, I would rather watch them than breathe. Lies, lies, lies. I like breathing a little better, but put me in front of a tv with Cake Boss or DC Cupcakes, and breathing takes a little more effort b/c my focus is on the craftiness of these people. I covet their abilities.

There, I said it. I COVET their freakin' awesome skills. I want to be them.

I can't help it. If someone asked if I would rather marry Tim Tebow or be one of the girls from DC cupcakes, I would answer with the latter before you could say "icing"...Really, it's that serious. So, here it goes, world. I am off to take up cake/cupcake decorating...I'll let you know how it goes.

Phil aka my awesome brother's birthday is next Sunday...I might or might not let that be an excuse to try to use fondant. Bless it, Lord.

This.is.my.dream.

I wanna be real.

I make promises sometimes aka every single day of my life. Usually, these promises are to Abba and myself. They aren't usually "big deal" promises...They are usually small things that I think about and I promise to do it or not to do it. Some of those things include:

I promise to go sky diving.
I promise to run everyday for a year.
I promise to laugh every day.
I promise to tell someone a cheesy joke every day.
I promise to be friendly.
I promise to talk to people I don't know every day.
I promise to do my best in my classes.
I promise to stay friends with my best friends for the rest of my life.
I promise to own a golden retriever one day.
I promise to be organized.
I promise to never quit singing.
I promise to do a random act of kindness every day.
I promise to smile at everyone I pass at school...even when my day sucks and it's raining.
I promise to always love sunflowers.
I promise to learn to cook, make pottery, sew, and be overall crafty.

Other promises are more serious...Promises,cries of my heart, to Abba. Sometimes these spring from when I am reading His words to me...Other times, they come from an experience that taught me something that I hate about myself. Other times, I see something that I love in someone else that I want to be a part of my own life. (and other times, I see something I hate in someone else, and I promise not to be like that). Of course, usually these will never be promises that are COMPLETELY fulfilled until heaven...Some of these include:

I promise to passionately love others...I mean, I promise to love ALL others (even when they hurt me)more than I love myself.
I promise to smile when my heart is breaking.
I promise to speak words that give life.
I promise to walk with humility.
I promise to worship Him with my life's song.
I promise to cry sometimes.
I promise to go wherever He sends me.
I promise to chase after the dreams He has put inside of me.
I promise to love the least of these with my entire heart.
I promise to walk in faith, even when there seems to be no hope.
I promise to NEVER buy a coach purse.
I promise to always give more than I can afford.
I promise to live simply.
I promise to always pray for someone when I tell them I will.
I promise to always be in a constant conversation with Abba through out every day.
I promise to love Him and His bride even when His bride is wearing a hideous dress and is acting like a whore (did I just say "whore"? Guess so... No censoring here, kids.
I promise to never get caught up in possessions and appearance.
I promise to keep my temple healthy.
I promise to give up everything (whatever everything means) to make His name famous throughout the world.
I promise to be a hugger.
I promise to never be a religious person, but to always be a Jesus-lover.
I promised to love Jesus more than anyone else...more than my family, my friends, etc.


And, one of the biggest promises/cries of my heart is one that I decided on my sophomore year of highschool.

I promised to always be real. I remember the day I promised God that. I was in the car, praying the typical Christian-ese filled prayer when all of the sudden, I felt like He wasn't listening anymore. It was like He finally said, "Why are you doing this? You know that I see underneath these beautiful words, right? I don't even recognize you anymore...When you are ready to stop playing the pretend Christian life, I will open up my ears to you...Until then, I guess you will be talking to that wall that you built in front of My throne...Talk to ya, later..."

At that point, I broke down. I cried. I felt sorry for myself... Then I realized He was right. I had been putting on a show for years. Sure, I was His child, but I acted phony. So, this time, my prayer didn't start the way it usually did... It didn't start "Oh Father God, You are sovereign and powerful...I love you. I am so thankful for a new morning to worship you...I trust You. Give me strength..."

It started with:

"Hey Abba. It's me Rachel, not the fake one...the one who is broken and wanting to change the world. Turns out we haven't talked in a while. I've kind of been full of crap lately...I guess religion got a hold of me, and I worshiped it instead of You. Pretty stupid of me. Also, you know how I said that I was thankful for today earlier? I lied. I'm not. I didn't want to wake up this morning... Actually, I have lied a lot to You. I tried to act like I had it all together...but, I don't. I suck by myself. I need you more than I even realize..."

I almost didn't think that He recognized me without all the Christian jargon from before... Turns out that He kicked down the wall that I built up...And He said, "Rach, my precious daughter, now I can use you... Now, I can see you...Now, I see the girl that I saved... Now, I finally can listen to you... Thanks for cutting the non-sense out...I hear it way too much from My people. I want honesty. I want you to be real with Me. I want you to tell Me that I made you mad. I mean, I already know what you are thinking anyway. Just be real... That's My desire for your life."

I have read so many things about "get real for Jesus!" But what does "real" mean?

In practical terms, I think it means that you don't hide your flaws and struggles. When you go to church, you don't fake living a life for Jesus by raising your hands in worship, crying during every altar call, etc. I think it means that sometimes when your heart can't sing the lyrics to a song, you don't sing them at all. I think it means that sometimes when someone asks about how everything is going, you will answer honestly with, "Pretty crappy...Life is just crazy and frustrating." I think it means that you won't believe things just b/c they are trend statements. You believe them b/c they are truth. It means that you will be broken most of the time, but you will have a joy that overpowers the brokenness. It means that you will lift up others with your words, but you will also correct them in love. When you correct them, you won't make it a big deal...You will pull them to the side and tell them that you love them and want the best for their lives. When you are talking with unbelievers, you don't use Christian lingo to witness to them...(Phrases like PTL, call of Christ, bless your heart, etc). It means that you talk to them like a normal person would, and then you build up a relationship with them so you can introduce them to Sweet Jesus and they actually trust and believe you b/c of the genuine love you have shown them. It means that when you pray in public, you don't use huge words and pray fake prayers...It means that you sometimes say, "Life is crappy, Abba...Like woah. It's ridiculous. We can't do this without you. We can't follow you without your strength. We need you more than we need college football, coach purses, and evangelists who come to start a revival. We need you when things suck and when they are freshhh. We are cutting all this religious crap...We're following you instead." It means that you live out your devotions that you read every morning. It means that you live the Gospel more than you preach it.

I'm just sayin'

This week has been absolutely crazy. I haven't had a single moment to just sit back and breathe. I mean, really, I am pooped.

I can't even write an interesting blog right now.

Fact:I studied so much for a psych test that I unconsciously dissect every situation around me using the concepts I studied. It's ridic.

Wednesday was the worst day that I have had in a long time. I woke up after studying till 1:30am. I was tired. It was raining. Couldn't find parking. Forgot psych notes at home. Almost threw up a few times. It was just an overall bad day. Then, it was over. I came home, went to church, studied, and I went to sleep. I woke up, and it was all new. The bad day was over and nothing that happened was a big deal anymore. Really, nothing that happened was ever that big of a deal. I complained in my head all day...But, then, I realized that my idea of a bad day is nothing compared to most people's. I have a home to go to at night. I have food to eat and a car to drive. I have an awesome fam. I have incredible friends. I have a Savior that carries me through every single day. Every day is a good day with Him holding my hand. Every day is a good day when I have HOPE.

I have really been pondering on the concept of having no hope. It makes me cringe thinking about a life without Sweet Jesus and the Hope that He brings. Life is pointless, dark, and unbearable without Him. With Him, it's still tough, but it is also beautiful and full of love. I am definitely trying to share the redemption that I have in Him every moment of every day. I am so thankful for the Life that is in HIM.

Something I am ridiculously excited about: My sis-in-law and I have started making dinner, cupcakes, snack bags, etc for families staying at the Ronald McDonald House once a week.

Living a life for Jesus and others is the only way to live.

I am empty.

I am bummed.

I got so excited when I saw that I could apply to go to the Philippines for next summer...The Philippines has been on my heart for about 5 years now, so I was just SOOO happy! 12 people needed to work in orphanages. I applied as soon as they put the project up...Then, I went and checked it this morning, and I saw that there were a -4 people needed. 4 too many. Sure, I could still get accepted, but should I go somewhere where the need is greater? I don't know... I am praying, praying, praying that ABBA opens doors and also closes them when they need to be closed. I ask that you would pray that for me too...

He is emptying me of my plans...I mean, He is completely emptying me. And it hurts. I am so confused...I thought I knew what He was doing, but I don't ever know what's up His sleeve...Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed...It sometimes leaves me upset and BROKEN...yet I have this joy...The joy of knowing that He is right beside me, opening up the right doors. I am nothing but weakness. "My power works best in your weakness..."

And,
I think that's (a state of brokenness) exactly where I need to be. Momma T said, "When we have nothing to give, let us give Him that nothingness. Let us all remain as empty as possible, so that God can fill us..." I am empty.

I am praying that He fills me...then, empties me again, then fills me, and empties me...for the rest of my life. Is there any other way to truly live? I don't think so. He is good, even when I don't understand.

"Trust Me from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure everything out on your own. Listen for My voice in everything you do, everywhere you go...I am the One who will keep you on track..."-Jesus Calling via Proverbs 3:5-6.

Thanksgiving in September.

I don't like complaining...but, you know how there are days that it is almost impossible not to? Today is one of those days.

But, I want to choose to be thankful and excited rather than stressed and upset.

I am thankful that I get to go to a University to study stuff I love.
I am thankful for people who smile.
I am thankful for my family even though sometimes they hurt me (I know I hurt them too some days).
I am thankful that ABBA is molding my heart so much.
I am thankful that His presence absolutely drowns me.
I am thankful for the possibilities of next summer.
I am excited about the ways He is giving me to help make my desires and dreams come true.
I am thankful that I have a house to live in, food to eat, and blankets to sleep under.
Today, I am thankful.

20 words.

20 words that describe my life presently/things my life consists of:

1. Busy.
2. Passion.
3. Heart.
5. Writing.
6. Jesus.
7. Reading.
8. Class.
9. Beauty.
10. LIFE.
11. TRUTH.
12. Running.
13. Go.
14. Fast.
15. Joy.
16. Laughs.
17. Conversation.
18. Loving.
19. Hugging.
20. Friends.

LIFE flows from GOD, y'all... flowwwws from GOD.