I'll remember you...

Grandpa... my hero... This monday, my Grandpa will be starting dialysis--- something we have been trying to avoid for a long time because with dialysis comes the realization of something we dont want to think about. I wish I could say that this is what Grandpa looks like all the time, but I would be lying. In his face, pain comes through. With every move he makes, comes a cringe. Now, a smile takes too much effort, and in return, it takes a lot of effort for me to smile. I wish I could just fake my happiness and sincerely tell people that he will be happier with Jesus... but I cant. I cant do it... It hurts my heart too much. No matter how hard I try, I cant be strong. I cant leave him without crying... It takes all thats within me to leave his side. It takes all thats in me to stay strong when he holds my hand and looks in my eyes and says, "I love you.... very much." I just want to record it, because within that statment holds 16 years of memories. It holds laughs, smiles, cries, and more than anything--- love. There is something in the love that pours from his eyes that will always hold my heart. And when he is gone, who knows how much of my heart he will take. I have heard so many people say that you can love someone so much that it hurts... and I think thats the only way to describe this. My heart physically hurts. My mind hurts. My strength is dissolved. And I hate it. I wish I had no heart because then I wouldnt hurt. I dont know how to be okay with it. I dont know how to put my guard up so Im not devestated when "it" comes. Tears stream when I think about life without my favorite person in the world. I cant breathe when I think about walking into his house and having no bald head to kiss... My stomach hurts when I think about not having his smile that lights up any room. Im paralyzed when I think about "this" time being the last one. My heart shakes and crumbles when I think about being there for last goodbyes and seeing the last bit of life in his eyes gone. I ache. And I dont know how i will be able to carry on. How will i smile when people tell me that "he is in a better place"... a line ive told so many others before. As much as I love my Jesus, I cant imagine my precious Grandpa anywhere but in his chair watching the gaithers 12th homecoming and reruns of law and order... I cant imagine walking and seeing the table that he sat at reading from his worn Bible everyday.... I dont know how I will be able to stand. People say the pain will go away with time, but no... It wont. I love him too much... and each day without him will only remind of the pain that I cant escape. The hurt that breaks me down... its hard to stand when you are crumbling. Its hard to live when you cant help but see death. Its hard to smile when you are drowning in tears...

broken.

the guy that created to write love on her arms wrote this---"love requires risk. requires chance. we give our hearts away... we talk about forever. we believe. but many things end this side of heaven. we are fragile. our hearts break. we don't know how to stop something that we said would last forever..."
When crappy things start happening, I start asking God where He is in the situation... How could a loving God let things happen to me that aren't fair? Why doesn't He stop them? Why doesnt He tell me why He let it happen? Why doesnt justice doesnt seem to win? It seems like the bad person always get the good end, and it doesnt seem right (at this point, I would like to tell you that nothing is unfair when you look at the unfairness of Gods very own innocent beloeved Son being killed by the uninnocent, bearing all my sin and shame)... Why does God let people take our hearts, and then they rip them into pieces and leave them for us to try to put back together again... It doesnt seem to make sense... duct tape doesnt work on shattered hearts... So here I am, trying to tell God that He doesn't know what He's doing... and so I started reading Psalms like crazy (you know, just trying to drown myself in the self pity that davids words seem to bring, but instead i found healing)...I read, "the Lord is close to the broken hearted..." and "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Then, I picked up this cd that was a random mixed cd that I didnt know I had, and there was this song on it.... it was called "if you ever fall"...
VERSE 1
You say that you've had enough
You've given up on love
You say that you'll never trust
Well I can see
That your heart's been broken too many times
It wasn't wrong now it's locked up so tight
And you're standing strong
Chorus:
If you ever fall just fall into my arms
I will never hurt you
If you're ever gonna trust this heart
I will be here to catch you when you fall
VERSE 2
I have been watching you
I've seen this all before
What you must be goin' through
It's hard to take
When love seems so far out of your reach
You don't wanna try
You're too scared to feel... too ashamed to cry...

and it hit me, God isn't there to prevent us from messing up or getting hurt, but He's standing where He's always been. He is letting me make my own mistakes, but He is always there for me to collapse into when i fall and lose hope...sometimes, when we cant trace what Gods hand is doing, we have to trust His heart... and thats the hardest thing...I read this verse that is in Psalm 146 and it says: ...The Lord lifts the burdens of those bent beneath their loads.... and you know, He does...sometimes, we just dont hand Him our load bc we feel like we deserve to carry it bc we put ourselves through it, we caused it.... yet, God says "give it to me... I've already carried it, and now I'll carry you..."I love that here lately ive finally seen a part of God that Ive never seen before... His love. He doesnt love us bc we deserve it, or bc we are lovable... He loves us bc He is love... He loves us even when we screw up... when we run from Him, He stands firmly where Hes always been... and He waits, patiently... God's a gentlemen... I know thats weird, but He is. He doesnt chase you, but He welcomes you when you come...no matter how ugly and beat up you are, and He tells you that you are beautiful... He holds out His hand full of your tears and tells you that He has counted and caught every tear youve cried, and that He will never just walk away... He reminds us that He is fullfillment... He reminds us that His arms are always open wide... He takes your bleeding heart and puts spiderman bandaids on the cuts, and He tells you that His Son bled so that you wouldnt have to anymore... yet, He lets the heart scar, bc with scars, comes protection... and reminders of healing, and strength.