I'll remember you...

Grandpa... my hero... This monday, my Grandpa will be starting dialysis--- something we have been trying to avoid for a long time because with dialysis comes the realization of something we dont want to think about. I wish I could say that this is what Grandpa looks like all the time, but I would be lying. In his face, pain comes through. With every move he makes, comes a cringe. Now, a smile takes too much effort, and in return, it takes a lot of effort for me to smile. I wish I could just fake my happiness and sincerely tell people that he will be happier with Jesus... but I cant. I cant do it... It hurts my heart too much. No matter how hard I try, I cant be strong. I cant leave him without crying... It takes all thats within me to leave his side. It takes all thats in me to stay strong when he holds my hand and looks in my eyes and says, "I love you.... very much." I just want to record it, because within that statment holds 16 years of memories. It holds laughs, smiles, cries, and more than anything--- love. There is something in the love that pours from his eyes that will always hold my heart. And when he is gone, who knows how much of my heart he will take. I have heard so many people say that you can love someone so much that it hurts... and I think thats the only way to describe this. My heart physically hurts. My mind hurts. My strength is dissolved. And I hate it. I wish I had no heart because then I wouldnt hurt. I dont know how to be okay with it. I dont know how to put my guard up so Im not devestated when "it" comes. Tears stream when I think about life without my favorite person in the world. I cant breathe when I think about walking into his house and having no bald head to kiss... My stomach hurts when I think about not having his smile that lights up any room. Im paralyzed when I think about "this" time being the last one. My heart shakes and crumbles when I think about being there for last goodbyes and seeing the last bit of life in his eyes gone. I ache. And I dont know how i will be able to carry on. How will i smile when people tell me that "he is in a better place"... a line ive told so many others before. As much as I love my Jesus, I cant imagine my precious Grandpa anywhere but in his chair watching the gaithers 12th homecoming and reruns of law and order... I cant imagine walking and seeing the table that he sat at reading from his worn Bible everyday.... I dont know how I will be able to stand. People say the pain will go away with time, but no... It wont. I love him too much... and each day without him will only remind of the pain that I cant escape. The hurt that breaks me down... its hard to stand when you are crumbling. Its hard to live when you cant help but see death. Its hard to smile when you are drowning in tears...