I'll remember you...

Grandpa... my hero... This monday, my Grandpa will be starting dialysis--- something we have been trying to avoid for a long time because with dialysis comes the realization of something we dont want to think about. I wish I could say that this is what Grandpa looks like all the time, but I would be lying. In his face, pain comes through. With every move he makes, comes a cringe. Now, a smile takes too much effort, and in return, it takes a lot of effort for me to smile. I wish I could just fake my happiness and sincerely tell people that he will be happier with Jesus... but I cant. I cant do it... It hurts my heart too much. No matter how hard I try, I cant be strong. I cant leave him without crying... It takes all thats within me to leave his side. It takes all thats in me to stay strong when he holds my hand and looks in my eyes and says, "I love you.... very much." I just want to record it, because within that statment holds 16 years of memories. It holds laughs, smiles, cries, and more than anything--- love. There is something in the love that pours from his eyes that will always hold my heart. And when he is gone, who knows how much of my heart he will take. I have heard so many people say that you can love someone so much that it hurts... and I think thats the only way to describe this. My heart physically hurts. My mind hurts. My strength is dissolved. And I hate it. I wish I had no heart because then I wouldnt hurt. I dont know how to be okay with it. I dont know how to put my guard up so Im not devestated when "it" comes. Tears stream when I think about life without my favorite person in the world. I cant breathe when I think about walking into his house and having no bald head to kiss... My stomach hurts when I think about not having his smile that lights up any room. Im paralyzed when I think about "this" time being the last one. My heart shakes and crumbles when I think about being there for last goodbyes and seeing the last bit of life in his eyes gone. I ache. And I dont know how i will be able to carry on. How will i smile when people tell me that "he is in a better place"... a line ive told so many others before. As much as I love my Jesus, I cant imagine my precious Grandpa anywhere but in his chair watching the gaithers 12th homecoming and reruns of law and order... I cant imagine walking and seeing the table that he sat at reading from his worn Bible everyday.... I dont know how I will be able to stand. People say the pain will go away with time, but no... It wont. I love him too much... and each day without him will only remind of the pain that I cant escape. The hurt that breaks me down... its hard to stand when you are crumbling. Its hard to live when you cant help but see death. Its hard to smile when you are drowning in tears...

broken.

the guy that created to write love on her arms wrote this---"love requires risk. requires chance. we give our hearts away... we talk about forever. we believe. but many things end this side of heaven. we are fragile. our hearts break. we don't know how to stop something that we said would last forever..."
When crappy things start happening, I start asking God where He is in the situation... How could a loving God let things happen to me that aren't fair? Why doesn't He stop them? Why doesnt He tell me why He let it happen? Why doesnt justice doesnt seem to win? It seems like the bad person always get the good end, and it doesnt seem right (at this point, I would like to tell you that nothing is unfair when you look at the unfairness of Gods very own innocent beloeved Son being killed by the uninnocent, bearing all my sin and shame)... Why does God let people take our hearts, and then they rip them into pieces and leave them for us to try to put back together again... It doesnt seem to make sense... duct tape doesnt work on shattered hearts... So here I am, trying to tell God that He doesn't know what He's doing... and so I started reading Psalms like crazy (you know, just trying to drown myself in the self pity that davids words seem to bring, but instead i found healing)...I read, "the Lord is close to the broken hearted..." and "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Then, I picked up this cd that was a random mixed cd that I didnt know I had, and there was this song on it.... it was called "if you ever fall"...
VERSE 1
You say that you've had enough
You've given up on love
You say that you'll never trust
Well I can see
That your heart's been broken too many times
It wasn't wrong now it's locked up so tight
And you're standing strong
Chorus:
If you ever fall just fall into my arms
I will never hurt you
If you're ever gonna trust this heart
I will be here to catch you when you fall
VERSE 2
I have been watching you
I've seen this all before
What you must be goin' through
It's hard to take
When love seems so far out of your reach
You don't wanna try
You're too scared to feel... too ashamed to cry...

and it hit me, God isn't there to prevent us from messing up or getting hurt, but He's standing where He's always been. He is letting me make my own mistakes, but He is always there for me to collapse into when i fall and lose hope...sometimes, when we cant trace what Gods hand is doing, we have to trust His heart... and thats the hardest thing...I read this verse that is in Psalm 146 and it says: ...The Lord lifts the burdens of those bent beneath their loads.... and you know, He does...sometimes, we just dont hand Him our load bc we feel like we deserve to carry it bc we put ourselves through it, we caused it.... yet, God says "give it to me... I've already carried it, and now I'll carry you..."I love that here lately ive finally seen a part of God that Ive never seen before... His love. He doesnt love us bc we deserve it, or bc we are lovable... He loves us bc He is love... He loves us even when we screw up... when we run from Him, He stands firmly where Hes always been... and He waits, patiently... God's a gentlemen... I know thats weird, but He is. He doesnt chase you, but He welcomes you when you come...no matter how ugly and beat up you are, and He tells you that you are beautiful... He holds out His hand full of your tears and tells you that He has counted and caught every tear youve cried, and that He will never just walk away... He reminds us that He is fullfillment... He reminds us that His arms are always open wide... He takes your bleeding heart and puts spiderman bandaids on the cuts, and He tells you that His Son bled so that you wouldnt have to anymore... yet, He lets the heart scar, bc with scars, comes protection... and reminders of healing, and strength.

the next thing...

Sometimes life is so hard that all you can do is the next thing. Whatever that is...Just do the next thing, and God will meet you there. -Elisabeth Elliot.

Ill add to this later...when i have time....all im going to say is this: life is hard right now, but I'm learning to just do the next thing.

Surrender...

what are you supposed to do when your hopes, your wants, and your dreams are suddenly destroyed? you take years to build them up, and it takes seconds for them to fall. it's scary, but i've learned something through it... you can't build your life upon things that can't stand in a storm or even in a slight wind. So whats dependable in a world of nothingness? Christ. In reality, it's about surrender. Not a surrender that you feel forced to do necessarily, but a glad surrender. A surrender that is a declaration of your need for a Savior. It's all about letting go of your grip on the world and on your selfish wants and holdingthehandoftheMostHighGod. It's about giving up your old ways and letting God define you,letting Him lead you. It's about standing in a world that doesn't know how to do anything but crumble. It's about trading hopelessness for hope.

Surrender is about giving oneself up completely, not just parts. Its about letting go, not letting God pry your hands open. It's complete brokeness before Your Maker. Surrender is knowing your life is like glass shattered across a road...pieces everywhere. Maybe it's not about picking up the pieces as you go, but its about walking across it letting the hurt change you... yet leaving it all behind. It's holding His hand as you go letting Him dry your tears from the pain. Its something you have to do without any other person's help. It's being pressed on every side until your hopes, fears, dreams, and future flow out and land at the feet of Jesus. Its getting to the point that your mind seems to never understand His ways, and being completely content with that. Surrender is running into the arms that made the universe. Its realizing your nothingness compared to the infinite worth of the Maker of the mountains. Its like becoming a bird and letting God lift you up out of the nest that you've hid yourself in. It's becoming a child again... Maybe surrender doesn't happen over night... Maybe it's being so caught up in seeking God's face and heart that your own face and heart are the least of your worries. Maybe its finally understanding hope, freedom, and redemption. Maybe its looking in the mirror and not knowing who you are, but seeing parts of His face begins to help you discover yourself. its when the cry of your heart is to live for Him and to stand WITH Him and FOR Him. Its grasping justice and not just favoritism. Its about singing a song of life written just for you by the Creator and never missing a beat.

content. satisfied. empty.

Lately, I feel like the biggest oxy-moron in the world. I never have anything I have to do...but I'm always busy. I love learning new things, but I've come to realize that sometimes I need to unlearn things and go back to how it used to be (having faith like a child, for example). I think I know what I want, but I clearly don't. I know I love to sing, but I don't wanna do it as a career. I hear that the past defines who I am, but I dont like my past...I dont like that I lived the lukewarm life for so long... We can't let past successes and failures tell us who to be today. i cant just stand by and let the lessons learned be all i have to base my life on. I have to have a foundation to lay every day of my life on. It has to be firmer than anything that can be made with human hands...yet soft enough to let me embrace it on rough days. I've found it to be Christ...my source of life and breath and redemption. My foundation that won't crumble when all the pressure of the world weighs on my shoulders... When the world is falling out from underneath me... I'll be found in Him still standing. My Savior has become more than a "get outta hell free card"... He has slowly taken my hand and led me down His path for my life. He picks me up when I've fallen by the way side like curb side clutter. He gives me hope and a future...He loves me just the way I am, yet He loves me enough to change me and sometimes break me... He teaches me to love without conditions and to pray even when I can't get words out. He slowly shows me how to lift my hands in praise when everythings being taken away that holds onto pieces of my heart. I've learned that I know nothing about myself except that the more I grow closer to Christ...the more I realize about myself. I love overthinking things, but I hate when I think about stuff too much. I dont like to let anything control my mind. I love passionate people, but I hate anger. I love that God gives us a choice in everything we do, but I hate making descisions. I feel completely empty all the time, but I'm fully satisfied with where He has me. I feel weak most days, almost defeated...but I feel strengthened. I feel like I know nothing...and you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm okay with not being high and mighty... bc He is all of that and so much more...so, reallyyy this is all about being content with where I am... and being satisfied with what He's going to do and is doing.

things to love...everyday.

I sometimes focus on things that seem to be negative or things that I hate. Not tonight, I was randomly thinking about all the things that I love...Even things that I love that come out of things that I hate.

I love passion...I love passion that's put into music, relationships with Christ, art, words, friendships, thoughts...I love the way that passionate people could care less if you are passionate about what they care about...I mean, come on, they have enough love for it for everyone. I love consistency. I love people that aren't wishy washy. I love people that have no grey areas...its either white or black...no in between. I love people that stick with their beliefs even when others put them down. I love when people show they care or even when they show they dont care. I love the freedom of it. I love the freedom of choice. I love that God gives us a choice instead of forcing us into relationship with Him. I love the feeling when we truly start to see God's strength in our weaknesses. I love the expression of a new born Christian. I love that there Is redemption in Christ. I love the feeling of being free to worship. I love hypocrites although I hate what they do to the body of Christ. I love that they challenge my faith to be more genuine. I love liars although I hate the sin itself...I love how lies make you value the truth so much more. I love people focused on today. I love thinking that there are real people out there. I love that there are a few people I can trust and I love that there are even more that I dont. I love how it makes me value those I do trust. I love knowing that today is part of a plan that God for His glory. I love that everyday isn't perfect. I love bad days because they make you realize how great the good days are. I love people that voice their opinions. I love the idea of one word changing the world---in a positive or negative way. I love when I am able to just sit there and not talk to people. I love hearing kids talk and the honesty in every single word spoken. I love that I cant always handle the truth. I love that no one is perfect. I love that God disciplines me. I love creating my own opinions on things that no one else cares about. I love thinking about millions of teenagers that are on fire for Christ around the world. I love having my eyes opened and seeing that some people don't have that fire...It encourages me to grow and grow and let Christ make the flame larger and larger...consuming my all. I love the feeling of being different than everyone around me. I love seeing people smile. I love seeing hope in people's eyes. I love getting over things. I love people's laughs. I love believing that there ARE guys out there that are waiting on the girl God has for them. I love knowing that there are guys that love Christ more than they could love any girl. I love change. I love doing more than merely existing. I love having a purpose.