content. satisfied. empty.

Lately, I feel like the biggest oxy-moron in the world. I never have anything I have to do...but I'm always busy. I love learning new things, but I've come to realize that sometimes I need to unlearn things and go back to how it used to be (having faith like a child, for example). I think I know what I want, but I clearly don't. I know I love to sing, but I don't wanna do it as a career. I hear that the past defines who I am, but I dont like my past...I dont like that I lived the lukewarm life for so long... We can't let past successes and failures tell us who to be today. i cant just stand by and let the lessons learned be all i have to base my life on. I have to have a foundation to lay every day of my life on. It has to be firmer than anything that can be made with human hands...yet soft enough to let me embrace it on rough days. I've found it to be Christ...my source of life and breath and redemption. My foundation that won't crumble when all the pressure of the world weighs on my shoulders... When the world is falling out from underneath me... I'll be found in Him still standing. My Savior has become more than a "get outta hell free card"... He has slowly taken my hand and led me down His path for my life. He picks me up when I've fallen by the way side like curb side clutter. He gives me hope and a future...He loves me just the way I am, yet He loves me enough to change me and sometimes break me... He teaches me to love without conditions and to pray even when I can't get words out. He slowly shows me how to lift my hands in praise when everythings being taken away that holds onto pieces of my heart. I've learned that I know nothing about myself except that the more I grow closer to Christ...the more I realize about myself. I love overthinking things, but I hate when I think about stuff too much. I dont like to let anything control my mind. I love passionate people, but I hate anger. I love that God gives us a choice in everything we do, but I hate making descisions. I feel completely empty all the time, but I'm fully satisfied with where He has me. I feel weak most days, almost defeated...but I feel strengthened. I feel like I know nothing...and you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm okay with not being high and mighty... bc He is all of that and so much more...so, reallyyy this is all about being content with where I am... and being satisfied with what He's going to do and is doing.