Real Talk: #11. "I can emotionally handle this now..."

Do you ever have one of those moments where something seems like a good idea, when in reality, it probably wasn't?
Today, I had one of those moments (and the pic is of my "That was a stupid idea that I had" face).

It was more of a "I think I can emotionally handle this now" moment.

I went to get gas...Norm.
I saw the graveyard that my Grandpa is buried in right up the street...Norm.
I thought to myself, "I miss him." Norm.
Then, I thought, "I wonder if Grandma has put fall flowers on his grave..." Semi-norm.
"I think I should go see if she has." not norm.

At the time, it seemed like a good idea.

This was my thought process as I was driving up there:

"This isn't a big deal. I mean, sure, his body is there, but he is in heaven with Jesus... It's not a big deal...Besides, I am over the crying and hurt stage...I'm not grieving anymore... He's been gone for almost 2 years...I should have gone to see his grave months ago... I wasn't ready then, but I can handle it now...Okay, just a little bit further... I'm not going to cry. It's just a marble stone with his name on it...I am over it. I've moved on...I know he is gone. It's okay...My heart has healed. I am just going to see the flowers...No biggie."

Then, I pulled in. Without warning, my mind went on a journey back to last February...

A mental video of the day we buried Grandpa came back so vividly. I was wearing a black dress with a yellow necklace and black pointy-toe'd shoes...I had make-up on b/c I thought that I wouldn't cry b/c Grandpa wasn't really gone, was he? The hearse sitting on the driveway...All of us standing together in the bitter cold of February to say "See you later" to someone who we loved...All of us trying to make each other laugh and smile to keep the tears to a minimum. Grandma sat in the car for as long as she could...just trying to stay warm, but really so she could delay saying bye to her husband...I looked up to the sky and asked God, "Where are you? I am surrounded on every side by death and heartache..." He moved the clouds so the sun could come out...There He was. Peaking through the clouds.

Back to present.
I sat in my car. Took a deep breath and stepped out. Every step felt like a million miles...I spotted the pretty fall flowers. Beautiful. I stood there and read the grave marker...Charles Ernest Mink, Sr. Veteran. April 23, 1925-February 20, 2009.

I just stood there, staring at the flowers.

And all of the sudden, I was crying, weeping, hurting all over again.

I ran back to my car. Literally, ran. I couldn't take it. I thought I was okay now? Why do I feel the same way I did the last time I was here? I started the car, and rested my head on my steering wheel... Still crying. I couldn't breathe. I started coughing and gagging...I told Jesus that I was still hurting so much...I told Him that I am more broken than I thought I was. I told Him that I am still grieving. I literally wept all the way home...I kept saying, "Why, Abba? Why? Why haven't you taken this pain away...? Why? Why? Why, why, why."

People always say "The pain gets better with time..."

In all seriousness, it doesn't. Sure, you don't cry every day. You go a long time without even thinking about it. Then, it creeps up. And it's unbearable pain. Ridiculous pain. About to throw-up kind of pain. The "legs don't work, falling onto your knees" kind of pain.


But, I thought about why the pain is still there...And I honestly don't know. Your heart remembers people who affected your life. Hearts break when those people leave.

But I think one reason is that every time you feel the pain, you are reminded that you can't get through life alone. You remember that you need community...that you need Jesus. You remember how He carried you through those days... and you remember that warmth you found in His embrace.

Abba doesn't like to see you weep and hurt and break...Emotions like these are of earth...

Yet, Abba uses these moments of desperation to remind you who. HE. is.

And God is good. He is ALWAYS good. He makes GOOD out of the bad.

If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there;
if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath.--Psalm 34:18.